Paleo-vegans alike, good news. There's almond meal feta, which I daresay is betta than the intestine-hardening qualities of regular feta cheese. Really, who doesn't want to shit right for a week? (movie quote alert!) In fact, I'm watching my husband spread the vegan creaminess on a roasted tomato. He doesn't want to admit that it's damn good, but it is.
Anyway, I cannot take credit for the recipe. I found it on this fantastic page called maplespice.com. Kind of sounds "porny" and it basically is, it is mouthwatering vegan food porn.
So the recipe calls for
1 1/2 cups of almond meal (leftover from your almond milk attempts!)
3 tbsp olive oil
1 1/4 tsp salt
1/4 cup lemon juice
1/2 cup water
2 minced garlic cloves
Blend all that shit together. ( I actually had to use a little bit more water b/c my craptastic blender wouldn't blend). Wrap it in about 2 layers of cheesecloth and let it drain over a bowl for about 12 hours. I didn't get much drainage though.
Unwrap it, put it in a baking dish, and baked for about 60 minutes at 350 degrees until it gets browned.
Then eat.
Voila. Tastes like heaven. I no longer need to crave cheese. This hits the spot. Ohhh yea baby. Vegan soy free cheese porn for your mouth!
****
Here's the website: http://www.maplespice.com/search?q=almond+feta
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Doomsday Prepping
It's saturday night. I'm dehydrating bananas. Who am I?
Let's backtrack. My husband has me watching episode after episode of doomsday preppers. He finds their ingenuity impressive and comincal. I find it all ...a ..little...bit...creepy. Creepy enough that now I feel like I'm missing the mark. I can't tell you when doomsday is, but I sure as hell can tell you if there was a serious global/north american issue, I'd be f'd. Not that I'm worried about it, but I can't help but think that either a) these people are fucking nuts or b) dammit they are smart and I wish I was part of their doomsday co-op.
From doomsday preppers, I've learned that I need a shitton of bullets to kill everyone trying to take over my foodstuffs. I've learned that a EMP can wipe out all electronics and that for longer than I'd like I'd be unable to access facebook. I've learned that these people store enough food to last them a year or longer. Have you ever looked in our refrigerator? We're so cheap we only buy food for exactly one week. Our pantry is pathetic, our canned good stash is small and probably outdated, I can't rebuild my computer and I sure as hell can't shoot a gun without closing my eyes. We are screwed in this household.
I officially bought two gallons of water today at the grocery store. And a little extra cat food. And a few cans of vegetarian baked beans. I thought I'd play it safe. Maybe we won't see doomsday, but there may be a time when our water filter breaks and we all know I can't do tap water.
No ammo yet, but if you fuckers are coming after doomsday, I promise you that the two cans of baked beans..well, I'm eating them the second an EMP hits, I'm drinking my two gallons of water, and I'm loading my gun. I'd suggest staying away because chances are with my aim I won't kill you, but I'd probably shoot off your pinky toe or nads. But that won't happen, because if I keep watching the show, I'll probably fence my whole house in with barbed wire and have look-out stations.
What about you? Did doomsday preppers freak you out?
Ding! My doomsday banana chip dessert is done-zo!
Let's backtrack. My husband has me watching episode after episode of doomsday preppers. He finds their ingenuity impressive and comincal. I find it all ...a ..little...bit...creepy. Creepy enough that now I feel like I'm missing the mark. I can't tell you when doomsday is, but I sure as hell can tell you if there was a serious global/north american issue, I'd be f'd. Not that I'm worried about it, but I can't help but think that either a) these people are fucking nuts or b) dammit they are smart and I wish I was part of their doomsday co-op.
From doomsday preppers, I've learned that I need a shitton of bullets to kill everyone trying to take over my foodstuffs. I've learned that a EMP can wipe out all electronics and that for longer than I'd like I'd be unable to access facebook. I've learned that these people store enough food to last them a year or longer. Have you ever looked in our refrigerator? We're so cheap we only buy food for exactly one week. Our pantry is pathetic, our canned good stash is small and probably outdated, I can't rebuild my computer and I sure as hell can't shoot a gun without closing my eyes. We are screwed in this household.
I officially bought two gallons of water today at the grocery store. And a little extra cat food. And a few cans of vegetarian baked beans. I thought I'd play it safe. Maybe we won't see doomsday, but there may be a time when our water filter breaks and we all know I can't do tap water.
No ammo yet, but if you fuckers are coming after doomsday, I promise you that the two cans of baked beans..well, I'm eating them the second an EMP hits, I'm drinking my two gallons of water, and I'm loading my gun. I'd suggest staying away because chances are with my aim I won't kill you, but I'd probably shoot off your pinky toe or nads. But that won't happen, because if I keep watching the show, I'll probably fence my whole house in with barbed wire and have look-out stations.
What about you? Did doomsday preppers freak you out?
Ding! My doomsday banana chip dessert is done-zo!
Monday, February 20, 2012
Anxiety is an annoying little bitch
Typically, I sleep like a log, but from time to time my stress levels increase and then BAM, I'm up all night anxious, with my mind at full speed, and a pit in my stomach over some worries. Usually, it's a slow acquisition of stressors (family, work) or just things that in general bother me (animal abuse, mean people who murder, etc.) That was me last night, couldn't sleep, couldn't get comfy, couldn't shut off my head.
And you know what the biggest anxious stressor of all was? Sleep--or the lack of.
We're taught that we NEED sleep, we NEED 7 1/2 hours/night OR you are subject to a plethora of health issues including but not limited to: obesity, memory loss, low immunity, increased stress, heart attacks, strokes, not to mention the magazines tell you that you will look fucking ugly without it. So, the general population, on top of having real stress is now stressed about not being able to sleep...and when you start to stress about not sleeping, guess what? You don't fall asleep. Motherf'er! Anxiety is an annoying little bitch who likes to steal everyone's sleep, life, man, whatever.
When these episodes hit, I typically journal some happy stuff, or stressors that are bothering me along with some solutions, read a stupid mindless book, and recite mantras like "I accept my current situation" and "I'll be okay no matter how much rest I get" and "The point is to relax, not to sleep" to keep me from getting annoyed/frustrated/further stressed. If I fall asleep, great...if I don't, then I have to accept that too. The next day, though, I'm always slightly worried that I'll have the same trouble again. MORE anxiety. I journal, refocus my thoughts on happy things only, read, think mantra, and try to live in the "now."Eventually, I get back on track--and so will you.
I share this with you b/c I've talked to many people who are embarrassed about their sleeping/anxiety issues--it's so ridiculously common. The number of people with sleeping issues/stress/anxiety are high, in the tens of millions. You're not alone. And chances are, when you're up at night, stressing over the day, worried b/c you can't sleep, there are about 45 million other people out there with you (hell, I might be one of them). You'll be okay no matter what. I made it through basically a 6 month period of little to no sleep due to stress/anxiety over sleeping so I promise you that you can overcome it. It was tough, but I learned a lot about tools that work for me to control my anxiety (creating mantras you believe in, acceptance, journaling, breathing in and out...etc.)
What do you do to relax at night?
And you know what the biggest anxious stressor of all was? Sleep--or the lack of.
We're taught that we NEED sleep, we NEED 7 1/2 hours/night OR you are subject to a plethora of health issues including but not limited to: obesity, memory loss, low immunity, increased stress, heart attacks, strokes, not to mention the magazines tell you that you will look fucking ugly without it. So, the general population, on top of having real stress is now stressed about not being able to sleep...and when you start to stress about not sleeping, guess what? You don't fall asleep. Motherf'er! Anxiety is an annoying little bitch who likes to steal everyone's sleep, life, man, whatever.
When these episodes hit, I typically journal some happy stuff, or stressors that are bothering me along with some solutions, read a stupid mindless book, and recite mantras like "I accept my current situation" and "I'll be okay no matter how much rest I get" and "The point is to relax, not to sleep" to keep me from getting annoyed/frustrated/further stressed. If I fall asleep, great...if I don't, then I have to accept that too. The next day, though, I'm always slightly worried that I'll have the same trouble again. MORE anxiety. I journal, refocus my thoughts on happy things only, read, think mantra, and try to live in the "now."Eventually, I get back on track--and so will you.
I share this with you b/c I've talked to many people who are embarrassed about their sleeping/anxiety issues--it's so ridiculously common. The number of people with sleeping issues/stress/anxiety are high, in the tens of millions. You're not alone. And chances are, when you're up at night, stressing over the day, worried b/c you can't sleep, there are about 45 million other people out there with you (hell, I might be one of them). You'll be okay no matter what. I made it through basically a 6 month period of little to no sleep due to stress/anxiety over sleeping so I promise you that you can overcome it. It was tough, but I learned a lot about tools that work for me to control my anxiety (creating mantras you believe in, acceptance, journaling, breathing in and out...etc.)
What do you do to relax at night?
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Stay away from acid, kids.
Who would have thought that vegan chocolate chip cookies would be an epic fail? What, you were expecting that the applesauce-almond milk concoction would be heavenly? Yeah, me too. Well, it's not. They taste like shit. But I guess that's okay because I really, really do not need to be eating that crap.
Acidity and Alkalinity is a topic of which I'm gaining interest. Basically, there's been a lot of research done on the body's PH. Foods are classified as either alkaline or acidic. And americans in particular eat a ton of acidic foods (packaged foods, wheat, junk food, animal protein). So what, right? Well, without the balance, you can have a slow-forming plethora of health problems (cancers?) and/or immediate issues (heart burn, water retention, insomnia, etc.) So, my goal is to up my foods that are alkaline and try to obtain a 4:1 ratio of alkaline to acidic.
The big question is how the f am I going to do that? Not quite sure yet.
Here's a website I've been referencing for a list of foods that are alkaline and acidic http://www.advancedhealthplan.com/foods.html
I'm a big fan of balance: work/life balance, balance on the yoga mat, mental balance, balance in the swimming pool so that either my eyes are not burned out of my head or I'm not swimming in a cess pool. So, why wouldn't balance in the body via foods be important? I'm sold.
And for the record, those disgusting vegan chocolate chip cookies are way acidic. And hot lemon water with cayenne pepper, totally alkaline!
Well, go get yourself some balance baby, and stay away from acid.
signing off.
Acidity and Alkalinity is a topic of which I'm gaining interest. Basically, there's been a lot of research done on the body's PH. Foods are classified as either alkaline or acidic. And americans in particular eat a ton of acidic foods (packaged foods, wheat, junk food, animal protein). So what, right? Well, without the balance, you can have a slow-forming plethora of health problems (cancers?) and/or immediate issues (heart burn, water retention, insomnia, etc.) So, my goal is to up my foods that are alkaline and try to obtain a 4:1 ratio of alkaline to acidic.
The big question is how the f am I going to do that? Not quite sure yet.
Here's a website I've been referencing for a list of foods that are alkaline and acidic http://www.advancedhealthplan.com/foods.html
I'm a big fan of balance: work/life balance, balance on the yoga mat, mental balance, balance in the swimming pool so that either my eyes are not burned out of my head or I'm not swimming in a cess pool. So, why wouldn't balance in the body via foods be important? I'm sold.
And for the record, those disgusting vegan chocolate chip cookies are way acidic. And hot lemon water with cayenne pepper, totally alkaline!
Well, go get yourself some balance baby, and stay away from acid.
signing off.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
The Vegan Song. This took me a while so your asses better read it.
(Sung to the tune of Adam Sandler's hanukkah song..duh...it's not totally perfect)
There's a lot of meat eating songs out there (not really--but I gotta sell my point) but there definitely aren't too many about veganism, so I wrote a song for all those nice little vegan kids.
Zooey Deschanel almost sings vegan, but Sinead O'Connor just may beat her
put them together in a sing-off, what a quirky adorkable (and f'd up cause of Sinead) singing plant eater.
You don't need to buy a burger or hot dog with all your bills
Cause you can rob a Beatle, eat a salad, and go dancing with Heather Mills
Weird ass Tom Cruise-- not our fault he's lame!
But guess who is veeg... Mike Tyson! ( but, um, your ears are fair game) eek
We got fit Russell Simmons and Portia Di Rossi, well she's not flabby
Mayim Bialik's vegan--Blossom, you ain't too shabby!
Some people think that david hassellhoff eats faux german meat dinners
Well, he doesn't, but guess who does: two american idol past winners (carrie and ruben)
Tell your friend Susan Mays, it's time you celebrate the vegan craze
I hope I get an expensive ass vitamix-aze, on this lovely, lovely vegan craze.
So eat your faux pork sandwich with vegan-naise, and shit on the toilet more than thrice a days
If you really, really wanna-aze, have a happy, happy, happy, happy
vegan craze!
Happy vegan crazy everyone!
There's a lot of meat eating songs out there (not really--but I gotta sell my point) but there definitely aren't too many about veganism, so I wrote a song for all those nice little vegan kids.
Put away your mayonnaise
It's time to spread the vegan craze
Vegan craze is --everything you're not
We're a pain in the ass at parties
and won't eat aaaanything you got
When you feel like the only kid in town
with a toe-furkey
here's a list of people who are vegan
just like you and meeeeeeee:
Ellen D. eats coconut ice cream
before she has to dash
Alec Baldwin gets high off raw vegan cacao nibs
in his marijuana stash
Guess who drinks kale smoothies at the local organic juice bar?
Moby, Steve-O, and Ben's Afflecks little bro...and other weirdos near and far
Zooey Deschanel almost sings vegan, but Sinead O'Connor just may beat her
put them together in a sing-off, what a quirky adorkable (and f'd up cause of Sinead) singing plant eater.
You don't need to buy a burger or hot dog with all your bills
Cause you can rob a Beatle, eat a salad, and go dancing with Heather Mills
Put away your mayonnaise
Alicia Silverstone's mock egg salad will amazeWeird ass Tom Cruise-- not our fault he's lame!
But guess who is veeg... Mike Tyson! ( but, um, your ears are fair game) eek
We got fit Russell Simmons and Portia Di Rossi, well she's not flabby
Mayim Bialik's vegan--Blossom, you ain't too shabby!
Some people think that david hassellhoff eats faux german meat dinners
Well, he doesn't, but guess who does: two american idol past winners (carrie and ruben)
So few vegans are in show biz
Al Pacino isn't but I heard Al Yankovic is (he's addicted to spuds)
Tell your friend Susan Mays, it's time you celebrate the vegan craze
I hope I get an expensive ass vitamix-aze, on this lovely, lovely vegan craze.
So eat your faux pork sandwich with vegan-naise, and shit on the toilet more than thrice a days
If you really, really wanna-aze, have a happy, happy, happy, happy
vegan craze!
Happy vegan crazy everyone!
Can I smell your armpit?
Changes are coming and some are here and some are nigh.
Well I'm signing off : I've got some changes to make, and bad habits to break, from natural living products to finding vitamins that make sure my vegan diet provides me with what I need. I got HDL to raise and deodorant to concoct in my kitchen. Lover, beware: I'm going to smell like a bum's nutsack until then.
- First, notice the blog name change. I'm past the 30 day vegan challenge, so the the title had to be readjusted, and apparently readjusted to a lame toy story theme.
- I am no longer going to talk about shit. Topic officially flushed.
- I am releasing my angry moody vegan mode (for now, well except for this morning). Must be all that D3 I'm overdosing on. Can you be addicted to vitamins? Speaking of which, fellow vegans, where are you getting your B12? Do I need to go sublingual with the pill or spray?
- I am PISSED about my HDL. PISSED. We had a biometric screening at work the other day and motherfucker my HDL isn't tip top optimal (60 and above). It's 56. I'm mad. 40 and above is considered great. I'm looking to be beyond great. All I eat are fucking plants all day plus I work out, so what the hell, HDL?
- I smell. Tom's natural deodorant is not working. I smelled a fellow vegan's armpit today as she makes her own deod. It didn't smell after a tough workout. I'm impressed. But I'm more impressed that she didn't think I was weird when I said "can I smell your armpit."
Well I'm signing off : I've got some changes to make, and bad habits to break, from natural living products to finding vitamins that make sure my vegan diet provides me with what I need. I got HDL to raise and deodorant to concoct in my kitchen. Lover, beware: I'm going to smell like a bum's nutsack until then.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Vegan Pledge who cares: cupid, horses, and a crush it truck
Dude. I'm feeling good. I'm feelin' so good that I am going to forget today's wod and how I couldn't drive the "crush it truck" through those dubz. I also wimped out on the weight today because I couldn't get the form right. But I'm still feelin' good and I'm okay with brushin' it off. I'll dominate it next time, self, I promise. :)
I think I want to set the record straight to my fellow carnivorous friends. Guess what? I like you! I really do. The other day a friend said "I have to eat meat " and then threw a genuine "sorry" in there. I wanted to hug this person and say "it's cool, dude!-- You're a good person and I'm not judging you." Cause I'm not. A few posts ago I got all crazy and judgmental for a hot minute, but after what I watched at vegan church, I was passionate and upset. Can we agree to forget about those psycho posts? I'm not saddling up the high horse! ...as long as you promise not to eat the horse meat.
What did I learn though? High and mighty makes you low and lonely. In everything you do...whether it be at work, at a wod, or at the dinner table. Gotta keep it cool. After all, we're in the month of love--let's make sure we remember that!
I'm waiting for a that little nekkid Cupid to hit my love and myself with an arrow. I dare Cupid to try to land that arrow in my rock solid crossfit ass (i wish!). I'd either like a vitamix (not gonna happen) or a nook from Mr. Cupid. Truth is we're probably not going to do much of anything since the hubs has a liver contusion from sparring; the meds aren't working and he can't sleep at night due to pain. He's miserable and I think if Cupid showed up, he'd punch Cupid in his chubby face. And I'm okay with him punching a flying creepy cherubim baby, as long as the nook doesn't get broken.
Signing off.
I think I want to set the record straight to my fellow carnivorous friends. Guess what? I like you! I really do. The other day a friend said "I have to eat meat " and then threw a genuine "sorry" in there. I wanted to hug this person and say "it's cool, dude!-- You're a good person and I'm not judging you." Cause I'm not. A few posts ago I got all crazy and judgmental for a hot minute, but after what I watched at vegan church, I was passionate and upset. Can we agree to forget about those psycho posts? I'm not saddling up the high horse! ...as long as you promise not to eat the horse meat.
What did I learn though? High and mighty makes you low and lonely. In everything you do...whether it be at work, at a wod, or at the dinner table. Gotta keep it cool. After all, we're in the month of love--let's make sure we remember that!
I'm waiting for a that little nekkid Cupid to hit my love and myself with an arrow. I dare Cupid to try to land that arrow in my rock solid crossfit ass (i wish!). I'd either like a vitamix (not gonna happen) or a nook from Mr. Cupid. Truth is we're probably not going to do much of anything since the hubs has a liver contusion from sparring; the meds aren't working and he can't sleep at night due to pain. He's miserable and I think if Cupid showed up, he'd punch Cupid in his chubby face. And I'm okay with him punching a flying creepy cherubim baby, as long as the nook doesn't get broken.
Signing off.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Vegan Pledge Days 28-30 (I think): Hot Hegans Wanted
I feel forced to write and fill the world in on my vegan journey, though I've got squat to say. I'm working on my grand finale, which isn't going so well from a creative perspective. I need to enlist the help of some oddly-minded peeps. Any takers? You need to be able to rhyme.
Anyway, I'd like to say that I'm officially there (there=vegan), still happily married to a man who insists on proclaiming that he's "practicing veganism" rather than a self declaration of "i'm vegan" and have successfully found ways to healthfully pig out vegan-style. The husband made homemade vegan soft pretzels (earth balance butter sticks, bitches! hydrogenated crap in bars, but it ain't an animal product) I can only imagine the plethora of soft pretzel vegan concoctions that I can create going forward: spicy pretzels, peanut butter flavored pretzels, cinnamon raisin pretzels, tofu infused pretzels, tvp pretzels, kale-spinach-shit pretzels...(an inside joke that's no longer funny, but I'm still exploiting it).
Back to celery and deprivation. I'm so beyond 20 spinach leaves in my smoothie that it's redunkulous. I'm kale'in it up mofos. I like my smoothie green and mean and chunky. Boy oh boy, isn't that a change from day 1. I'm chewin these smoothies up (and shittin them out.) Shameless. But, how regular are you? Think about it. I could run a nuclear powerplant with this regularity. There's a sense of pride there. Is dairy keeping you all bound up and intestinely tied up for days? IBS? I be stupid for eating dairy--yes, dairy is the devil. Dairy prevents ker-plops. Ker-plops=happiness.
Oh my god, how did I forget this all important topic? There is a minority of male celebrity vegans or as they are charmfully called "Hegans" out there. I've looked at the list of celebrity Hegans and they are pretty much f'ing weirdos:
Some Hegans that I will accept
1) Jared Leto....too much guy liner for me, but super awesome and brooding in my so-called life
2) Tobey Maguire....not really "hot" but seems relatively normal, never bought him as spiderman though (spiderman...scott...the spiderman?!)
3) Joaquin Phoenix...went crazy with his bearded rap...good performance in gladiator though
4) Barry White (I love him so he makes the list) can do no wrong.
5) Moby...weird. dude. I like him though, except when he partnered with Gwen. Go away Gwen.
Hegans to run from
1) Tyson ( i love how he'll rip your ear off with his teeth, but he won't eat eggs, but he does a nice cover of phil)
2) Sinead O'Connor (nothing compares to how much she is a f'ing wack job--I vote to kick her out of the vegan club)
Who would star in your hot hegan of the month calendar?
signing off
Anyway, I'd like to say that I'm officially there (there=vegan), still happily married to a man who insists on proclaiming that he's "practicing veganism" rather than a self declaration of "i'm vegan" and have successfully found ways to healthfully pig out vegan-style. The husband made homemade vegan soft pretzels (earth balance butter sticks, bitches! hydrogenated crap in bars, but it ain't an animal product) I can only imagine the plethora of soft pretzel vegan concoctions that I can create going forward: spicy pretzels, peanut butter flavored pretzels, cinnamon raisin pretzels, tofu infused pretzels, tvp pretzels, kale-spinach-shit pretzels...(an inside joke that's no longer funny, but I'm still exploiting it).
Back to celery and deprivation. I'm so beyond 20 spinach leaves in my smoothie that it's redunkulous. I'm kale'in it up mofos. I like my smoothie green and mean and chunky. Boy oh boy, isn't that a change from day 1. I'm chewin these smoothies up (and shittin them out.) Shameless. But, how regular are you? Think about it. I could run a nuclear powerplant with this regularity. There's a sense of pride there. Is dairy keeping you all bound up and intestinely tied up for days? IBS? I be stupid for eating dairy--yes, dairy is the devil. Dairy prevents ker-plops. Ker-plops=happiness.
Oh my god, how did I forget this all important topic? There is a minority of male celebrity vegans or as they are charmfully called "Hegans" out there. I've looked at the list of celebrity Hegans and they are pretty much f'ing weirdos:
Some Hegans that I will accept
1) Jared Leto....too much guy liner for me, but super awesome and brooding in my so-called life
2) Tobey Maguire....not really "hot" but seems relatively normal, never bought him as spiderman though (spiderman...scott...the spiderman?!)
3) Joaquin Phoenix...went crazy with his bearded rap...good performance in gladiator though
4) Barry White (I love him so he makes the list) can do no wrong.
5) Moby...weird. dude. I like him though, except when he partnered with Gwen. Go away Gwen.
Hegans to run from
1) Tyson ( i love how he'll rip your ear off with his teeth, but he won't eat eggs, but he does a nice cover of phil)
2) Sinead O'Connor (nothing compares to how much she is a f'ing wack job--I vote to kick her out of the vegan club)
Who would star in your hot hegan of the month calendar?
signing off
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