I feel forced to write and fill the world in on my vegan journey, though I've got squat to say. I'm working on my grand finale, which isn't going so well from a creative perspective. I need to enlist the help of some oddly-minded peeps. Any takers? You need to be able to rhyme.
Anyway, I'd like to say that I'm officially there (there=vegan), still happily married to a man who insists on proclaiming that he's "practicing veganism" rather than a self declaration of "i'm vegan" and have successfully found ways to healthfully pig out vegan-style. The husband made homemade vegan soft pretzels (earth balance butter sticks, bitches! hydrogenated crap in bars, but it ain't an animal product) I can only imagine the plethora of soft pretzel vegan concoctions that I can create going forward: spicy pretzels, peanut butter flavored pretzels, cinnamon raisin pretzels, tofu infused pretzels, tvp pretzels, kale-spinach-shit pretzels...(an inside joke that's no longer funny, but I'm still exploiting it).
Back to celery and deprivation. I'm so beyond 20 spinach leaves in my smoothie that it's redunkulous. I'm kale'in it up mofos. I like my smoothie green and mean and chunky. Boy oh boy, isn't that a change from day 1. I'm chewin these smoothies up (and shittin them out.) Shameless. But, how regular are you? Think about it. I could run a nuclear powerplant with this regularity. There's a sense of pride there. Is dairy keeping you all bound up and intestinely tied up for days? IBS? I be stupid for eating dairy--yes, dairy is the devil. Dairy prevents ker-plops. Ker-plops=happiness.
Oh my god, how did I forget this all important topic? There is a minority of male celebrity vegans or as they are charmfully called "Hegans" out there. I've looked at the list of celebrity Hegans and they are pretty much f'ing weirdos:
Some Hegans that I will accept
1) Jared Leto....too much guy liner for me, but super awesome and brooding in my so-called life
2) Tobey Maguire....not really "hot" but seems relatively normal, never bought him as spiderman though (spiderman...scott...the spiderman?!)
3) Joaquin Phoenix...went crazy with his bearded rap...good performance in gladiator though
4) Barry White (I love him so he makes the list) can do no wrong.
5) Moby...weird. dude. I like him though, except when he partnered with Gwen. Go away Gwen.
Hegans to run from
1) Tyson ( i love how he'll rip your ear off with his teeth, but he won't eat eggs, but he does a nice cover of phil)
2) Sinead O'Connor (nothing compares to how much she is a f'ing wack job--I vote to kick her out of the vegan club)
Who would star in your hot hegan of the month calendar?
signing off
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